Resources

To feel like our best, most psychologically mature selves, to like and feel good about ourselves, it is vital for us to understand who and how we are and to intentionally choose our actions and responses in life. “Happiness” is elusive and fleeting- there is simply no such thing as arriving at a Happy Place that you never ever have to leave. We can, however, find ways to feel content and satisfied even when life feels like an emotional roller coaster.

Getting Clear - This work is focused on learning about how you developed as a person. What were your childhood and family experiences? How were your feelings, perceptions, thoughts, and ideas formed, about yourself, about other people and the world? What did you learn about emotional expression, conflict resolution, failure and success, independence and connection? What beliefs do you carry about your safety, your value, your place in the world?

Getting Calm – We have both conscious and unconscious thoughts that can trigger worry and anxiety, an overall sense of dread, feeling threatened or unsafe. While these are normal human sensations, they can sometimes overtake us and cause major disruption in our lives. This work is focused on harnessing the power of self-awareness, self-regulation and soothing to create an internal environment of greater peace and self-acceptance.

Getting Confident - This work focuses on acknowledging and understanding emotional triggers and activation as pointers to our wounds from the past and responding to them with growing self-love and acceptance. We don’t have to “get rid” of anger, fear, hurt, embarrassment, insecurity; as a matter of fact, that’s probably not possible for most of us! But we can learn how to reduce those negative feelings, to respond to our discomfort with less-judgement and more compassion, to move through challenges much more smoothly.

The great philosopher Socrates is known to have said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But self-examination isn’t for the faint of heart! Self-awareness sometimes necessitates changing thoughts and behaviors, which most humans aren’t fond of and may resist. The delight, however, of feeling more mastery in our lives, of having conscious choice, of being more intentional — this is well worth the brief moments of discomfort.

Peace.

Why are we so good at naming our flaws and shortcomings and so awkward and clumsy at naming our strengths and successes?

Simply because, I think, we want to stay aware of what needs improvement. It starts when we’re young – perhaps age 7 or 8, when most of us learn the difference between “S for Satisfactory” and “U for Unsatisfactory”,  when we first understand that there are parts of us that are not really wanted or admired by those around us, especially the grown-ups!!  

Now, our minds still seem to be constantly scanning for the U’s on life’s report card. The idea is, in order to solve the problem, you have to stay focused on the problem! When we think about what we’d like to change about ourselves or our circumstances, we think in terms of “stopping” this, “getting rid” of that, “eliminating” this, “letting go” of that.  It seems perfectly reasonable, perfectly logical – except for one thing: keeping our attention on our faults or mistakes, or on what we don’t want or like anymore, doesn’t feel good.  

Keeping an active watch on the list of things we don’t like about ourselves invites self-judgment and self-criticism, which actually isn’t the best motivator for most of us! Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely people who snap-to and then stay highly motivated in the presence of critical feedback. Most of us, though,  snap-to for a moment, but then don’t stay positively energized to change the thing. Criticism, harsh feedback, a focus on our mistakes or shortcomings, even when coming from within ourselves, tend to drain our energy and dampen optimism about change.  When we give all of our attention to what we don’t want, all that is in our minds is what we don’t want.  I think we need to place our attention elsewhere, don’t you? 

I am finding that my clients are enjoying approaching change by spending a lot of time thinking about who they DO want to be, what habits they DO want to cultivate, how they DO want to feel, think, behave. Every person who comes to me for counseling wants changes. And just about every person has tried to change by becoming intimately acquainted with their problems and then strategizing, worrying, sometimes even obsessing, over how to stop. Some have even made good progress toward change and have then found that forward movement  very difficult to sustain.

Once they experience how different it feels, and how much more energizing it is, however, to take their change list and approach it from a completely new angle, they start to feel better right away.  The idea is not to ignore the improvements you wish to make, it is to create the best emotional and mental environment for those changes to feel easier and more comfortable.  And therefore more likely to stick.

Peace.

People in 12-step groups, the various “anonymous” programs, are very familiar with the reminder -- a cornerstone of recovery from addiction -- “One day at a time.” We counselors also use the concept to help people in crisis situations. We teach that focusing on this moment, this day, taking care of only what is in front of you right now,  eases the strain on an already overtaxed mind. “Take one day at a time” is actually sound advice for good mental health, for all of us, every day, even where addiction or crises aren’t part of your story!  On a day to day basis, staying focused on the day is part of becoming more deliberate with your mind, which can create feelings of clarity and calm. When your thoughts are not in the day at hand, you are probably visiting either the past or the future. Both of those places have both positive and negative territory -- your emotional reactions will tell you which territory you are in.

When your thoughts are on the past, they can have different kinds of emotional energy -- sadness, regret, resentment; warmth, love, happiness – sometimes unlikely combinations of many different emotions! I find that many people who feel depressed tend to vividly remember and re-live their regrets and their resentments -- much of their emotional energy is used in a repetitive loop of criticism of themselves or others. This way of being in the past is not the same as reminiscing or storytelling, which are uplifting and cause a feeling of expansion. Yesterday's regrets and resentments do not uplift, they constrict and drain vital energy from this moment. Recalling the ways we were hurt, or the mistakes we made in the past can rob of us the possibility for joy in the here and now.   When we stay focused on today, with the intention of feeling well, we create less room for yesterday's emotional toxins.

Thinking about the future can also go a few different ways. One is the positive and energizing direction of planning. Buying tickets for a show or booking the rental property for vacation feels great!! Looking ahead and working today to create something positive for your future self is emotionally beneficial! I also consider fantasy another form of future thinking -- on some level, no matter how far out, the possibilities of all fantasies lie in the future. Fantasy can be really fun, or It can be awful and scary, as it is when we worry.  Worry is simply a fantasy about terrible outcomes. We imagine all the worst possibilities, in order to he prepared, to not be surprised. There may be some logic to that; however the toll on the body and spirit of a mind focused on the most negative conclusions is enormous. Every person I have ever seen with anxiety, to a one, has been worried about future outcomes. Their minds are flooded in a "whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif" tsunami, going over and over, around and around, with little ability to stop the motion.

 You can learn to pay attention to your thoughts in order to really know where you spend your time-- past, present, or future? The best way to do this is to check in, to notice, on purpose, how you feel. Are your thoughts of the past generating feelings of warmth and love? Do you feel lighter, happier, reflecting on those moments? If so, enjoy! But if your thoughts of the past are generating feelings of pain -- regret or resentment, deliberately changing your thoughts to today can help. Likewise, if thinking of the future generates feelings of excitement and anticipation, keep it up -- those feelings of fun are good for you! But if you feel worried or scared about something that is going to happen, try as soon as you can catch yourself, pull your awareness back to the present. Sometimes the momentum of worry can get pretty powerful; redirecting is not as easy as “just let it go.”  

One technique to get yourself into "now mode" is to use your five senses. Identify what you are seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting and smelling in this exact moment. Actively listening to how many sounds are actually going on around you, for instance, can be an amazing thing! You start to realize how much your mind simply relegates to some back lot of awareness, to make room for all other focusing it wants to do!! Spending just a few moments of deliberately directing your attention to your immediate surroundings can anchor you in today, away from the pitfalls of the past and the landmines of the future. Your mind will wander away from today all the time -- it’s like a toddler that way. Take a breath, calmly retrieve your thoughts and bring them back to this moment! Today is where your life is!

Peace.

Many people don't know the difference between a thought  and a feeling. Here is a great example. Recently in a couples session,  a wife said to her husband,  "You never respect my parenting." She looked at me and said, "That's how I feel." I said, "No, that's what you think, that is not how you feel."

It was very difficult for her to see, but she did get there, that she was FEELING disrespected, not important, insulted, insecure about the kids' level of respect for her.  Her THOUGHTS about that, the meaning she attached to those feelings, was that her husband's attitude was the problem. When we shifted to her talking about how she FELT when her husband would give in to the kids, or disagree with her in front of them, the conversation changed. Her husband stopped defending himself ("Yes I do respect your parenting!! What are you talking about??") and apologized for hurting her feelings, which he didn't realize he had done (sometimes when we're angrily being told what we're doing wrong it's hard to hear the other person's feelings.)

A simple guide: A statement is about your feelings if it describes YOUR emotions and it is about a thought if it describes someone else's emotions or behaviors. e.g.  "I feel disconnected from you" vs. "You never make time for me" or "I'm anxious about telling you because sometimes I feel judged by you" vs. "You are so judgmental I can't tell you anything." Expressing your feelings is so much harder than expressing your thoughts, but it can really improve the quality of your interactions, not to mention your sense of inner clarity and strength!

I work with people to help them recognize the power of asking themselves, "How do I feel? What do I need?"  Sometimes we are so preoccupied with the demands of life that we don't even think of ourselves or how we're doing!  You would be amazed at how hard it is for some people to answer the "How do you feel?" question: they more often describe the events of their lives than their own feelings, yet they believe they are honestly and earnestly answering the question! Here's a recent exchange between me and a client:

Me: How are you feeling?
Client: Well, my mother had another fall Monday. I don't know what we're gonna do.
Me: Oh no! How are you feeling?
Client: I just wish my brother would be willing to talk about a nursing home for her...he is so stubborn and its hurting her.
Me: Yeah, it's been really hard to get on the same page with him. How are you feeling?
Client: I mean, it's not like I'm crazy about the idea either, but these falls...it's ridiculous!! I think he does more damage trying to pick her up...

You get the idea. And you can probably sense the feelings she had from what she was saying, but in that moment, she was in "problem-solving mode" and couldn't even hear my actual question!

She was feeling powerless, sad, scared, frustrated, lonely, and a bit overwhelmed -- all completely normal and understandable emotional responses to the situation. We talked about how all those feelings needed her love and attention before she could problem-solve. She absolutely had to stay focused on the issue of her mother's care and how she was going to navigate the issue with her brother, but in order to do that most effectively, she needed to get calm and centered first. She needed to give herself a moment of nonjudgmental space and perhaps come up with a new strategy from a less-frightened, less-frustrated place inside her, in order to successfully do that most important thing - ensure her mother's safety and welfare. 

She could, and would, of course, get that done without me, without therapy, without ever asking herself once, "How do I feel?" She would absolutely fight with her brother and MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND... her mother WILL get what she needs!  There is no question my client's heart is in the right place, that her intentions are sound, that her determination to do the right thing is HIGH! And I agree 100% that her mother needs a higher level of care (the brother really is being stubborn and just a tad selfish). But I don't believe she has to suffer through her determination. I believe that if she stays in touch with how she feels and gives herself some acknowledgement for how difficult this is and some soothing for her own pain,  she will actually have more emotional bandwidth and feel stronger to handle it all. 

So. How do you feel? What do you need?  

Peace.

I was thinking about a recent conversation with a family member, where I mentioned that I think we have a "lazy streak." We compared our observations, and then meandered off to other things.

As I recalled that, I started to think about my lazy streak, and, as if I were trying to win a contest or something, to create in my head The List of All the Ways That I am Lazy.  Catching myself before I got to the dark place of self-judgment and criticism, I decided to list all the ways I am far from lazy, but am, rather, highly proactive, energetic, and accomplished. This is a tried-and-true reality for me: identifying the ways I want to be a better person by focusing on positive feelings about myself works WAY better than focusing on how I've fallen short, missed the mark, or have just been plain not-good-enough.  

But what I noticed was that the "switch," the deliberate refocus to a positive self-view and a higher-frequency line of thought was not instantaneous or really even effortless!  It took several (how many is 20? is that several? it was 20) seconds of full concentration to shift the energy!  

I have seen this with most of my clients, too. If I ask them to tell me 10 qualities they don't like or would like to change about themselves, they have no problem whatsoever - The List has been visited many many times. But then I ask them to list 10 positive qualities, strengths, or patterns -- this can literally stun people into an area of their self-description that they rarely visit; it seems there is no readily available list here to consult!  

I've seen that same moment of slightly confused blankness on my clients' faces as I feel myself when trying to nudge my mind somewhere it doesn't usually wander on it's own: positive attributes. It usually helps when I suggest they (or I) begin identifying their strengths using the alphabet... "Start with the letter A"...  once that has some momentum, it gets easier and feels more natural.  

I believe we would all benefit from paying closer attention to the way we regard and describe ourselves! There are many reasons why our "natural tendency" is to be better able to identify our weaknesses than our strengths, and perhaps I'll discuss those sometime. But to start, I'd like to invite you to try that exercise: without over-thinking, quickly list in your head 10 things about yourself you'd like to change. Then, as quickly as you can, switch gears, and list 10 things about yourself that you really like. Which is easier? Did you find it hard to make the switch? Did it feel "awkward" to focus on the positives, as if it were a waste of time, since those don't require your attention because they don't require changing?  If so, you are not alone! But pay attention to the way you feel inside when you are focusing on your strengths vs. the way you feel when you are focused on your self-proclaimed weaknesses. Those internal sensations are signs for you -- indicators -- of where your line of thought is leading you; you will feel better, do better, be better, the more time you spend in the sensations of success, accomplishment, and the ways you like yourself, than anywhere else. That's not the way most of us were trained/taught to try to improve, but I'm tellin' ya...

Peace.

Recently I attended a performance of one of Shakespeare's plays, one of the comedies, the name of which I don't remember. As the first act came to an end, I allowed myself to be honest that I was not enjoying myself at all, that in fact I never enjoy myself watching Shakespeare. I admitted to myself that most of the time, I don't understand what is actually being said, and that while I can follow the story line well enough, I'm lost a lot of the time. And not being able to decipher the meaning and motivation of most of what's spoken makes me feel anxious and unsettled, because there is always some trick or deceit or double-talk happening in a Shakespeare story, and I'm never entirely sure why.  It's just plain uncomfortable!

But for my entire life, from adolescence on, I have thought there was something wrong with me for not liking, or "getting," Shakespeare. I thought smart people are SUPPOSED to like and appreciate Shakespeare, and I'm smart, so..... I thought people who love words and the language arts are SUPPOSED to like Shakespeare, and I love words and language arts, so..... I had so much pressure on myself to like something I thought I was supposed to like, that I literally buried the reality that I don't like it at all! All these years of suffering through performances because I felt dumb and self-conscious in admitting that I find his plays confusing and far-fetched! 

 So it felt like a defining moment for me to turn to my friends and say, "I don't like this! I don't like Shakespeare!" in an exaggerated and funny way that made everyone laugh and eased the tiny bit of remaining self-consciousness for me!  And it made me realize how very powerful is the force of wanting to fit in, to be accepted, to follow the unspoken rules of what we "should" like, not like, feel, want, think.  No one ever told me I "should" like Shakespeare, but somehow I believed that and forced myself to sit through many, many performances instead of paying attention to myself years ago and having the clarity and self-confidence to say "No thanks!" 

I think we all have "I don't like Shakespeare!" declarations inside of us ... realizations about our own preferences and desires that perhaps we have ignored or hidden out of fear that we might be judged.

What is your declaration going to be!?

Peace.